After-Dinner Sports Tales - Gareth Southgate

This month is my fifth installment of light hearted after-dinner sporting tales, as told by current or ex-professional sportsman.
My after-dinner sports tale for this month is one told by Gareth Southgate, a well respected football player and now club manager, who has been a model professional since making his debut in 1988.

Born in Watford, Hertfordshire in 1970, Southgate began his career at Crystal Palace, playing in central midfield. He became captain and led the club to the 1994 Division One title.

He moved to Aston Villa in 1995 for a fee of £2.5 million, having made 152 appearances and scoring 15 goals over four seasons for the South London club.
In 2001 he joined Middlesborough as a player, before becoming the Teeside clubs manager in 2006.

"I went to watch a match with my wife and the family of a friend (who was playing).

People started turning around to ask me for autographs, which is always flattering but can start to interfere with your enjoyment of an event.

By now the game had kicked off and yet still I was being passed scraps of paper and programmes to sign.
I obliged, but must confess I was getting irritable as I tried to watch the game.
A flag was passed along then a ticket.

'Pen?' I asked down the line, somewhat abruptly, and a pen was duly passed down the line.
'What's his name?' I asked my friend's wife, and the query was passed down the line.
'To John, all the best, Gareth Southgate,' I wrote and passed the ticket back along the line.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the guy look at the ticket and start to edge along the row.
I'm just about to say to him: 'Look mate, no disrepect, but I'm trying to watch the game,' when he says apologetically: 'Excuse me, I'm very sorry but you're in my seat."


During the 2003–04 season Gareth became an author, penning Woody & Nord: A Football Friendship with close friend and former West Ham goalkeeping coach Andy Woodman. This book describes an enduring friendship forged in the Crystal Palace youth team that has survived Southgate and Woodman's wildly differing fortunes in the professional game. The book won the Sporting Book of the Year Award for 2004 from the National Sporting Club.

'CRAP TOWNS' - The worst places to live in the U.K

Whilst in the throws of reading some literature lately on ' The 50 worst places to live in the UK - The idler book of CRAP TOWNS' - I began to deliberate in my own mind as to whether there was any correlation with some of these 'crap towns' also being towns with football clubs attached.

Irrespective of the success or otherwise of any such football clubs, I was more interested in whether or not it was possible to argue that having a football club in a town made it a better or a worse place to live.

A form of investigative journalism if you like!
Now being an avid footy fan I have to say over the years I have visited, (for better and for worse as a priest would say) both some alluring and equally abhorrent places whilst following my team around the UK.


Britain is full of crap towns full stop. Why?

Well look at all the miserable faces you see walking around the streets of your very own town, the overcrowded trains, the filthy walkways, inner-city crime, poverty, the economic climate, the smell, the concrete monstrosities for housing estates, hospital waiting lists, CCTV on every street corner, kids pushing prams, speed humps, cycle lanes, plastic glasses...........

The UK is soiled and full of people with tales of all the various forms of misery their towns have inflicted on their lives.

The UK and its towns are full of 'Rules' and 'Fun is Forbidden.'


A few years ago Hull, the gateway to Europe was considered 'The UK's No.1 Crap Town' but having used the 'net to check if this was still the case I subsequently found out that Luton indeeds currently holds the crown!

Both footballing towns, Hull has been described as 'smelling of death' due to the combination of its own chocolate factory and on days when there is a a south-east wind blowing, the smell of nearby Grimsby adds a fishy staleness to the odour.

Windsor perhaps surprisingly, was voted the second worst place to live this time around.

One voter said: 'The big thing about Windsor is that its townsfolk believe that by living near the castle they are more or less royalty themselves.'

Sunderland was described 'not so much a town, more of a mortuary' and came in third.

Other towns to feature included Croydon where the slang phrase 'Croydon-facelift' derived - hair that is scraped back so tight in a pony tail that it pulls back the wearer's cheekbones.

Morecambe the seaside town that promoted itself as a smaller version of Blackpool has been in a sad decline since the late 1930's.
Why anyone would ever go there is beyond me, unless you were unlucky enough to be born and brought up there!

Hythe, a small town on the south coast is quite possibly the most 'spirit-crushingly tedious town in Kent.' (Quite a feat)
Hythe has been labelled as: 'the place that makes nearby Folkestone look like Las Vegas.'

Other 'crap towns' to make the list that also double up as footballing towns included: Middlesbrough, Nottingham, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Brighton, Stockport, Portsmouth and Peterborough.

It is claimed Portsmouth is one of the most densely populated areas in Europe and is said to have one of the thickest populations.

Stockport is a typical mill town in South Manchester made prosperous by the Industrial Revolution.
However the superseding 'look' for Stockport locals is a shaven head with optional designer label baseball cap/visor, a shellsuit, the legs of which are tucked into a pair of luminous socks accompanied by a pair of kicker-style boots.
Gold plated jewellery in the form of chains, bracelets and earrings are an accepted and necessary part of the 'look.'

Brighton, the home of the nearest beach to London and Tory conferences, trades on a misinformed reputation for coolness!
The town was once described as 'The World's End' despite the council beating on about it being a 'beautiful city by the sea.'
It is neither beautiful nor a City!

Half of it is dirty, noisy & packed with horrible, gobby young fashion victims, mainly students studying 'The life and times of Peter Ward' or 'All things football in London's SE25.'
The rest of Brighton is a grimy Southeast town with council estates, teenage mums and screaming kids.
The guys roam the seafront on a Friday night, looking for someone from the other half to knock ten bells out of.


Now for the results of my investigative journalism.
I could not find any rhyme or reason to link 'crap towns' and 'footballing towns' together. There was no reason to suppose a town hosting a football club was any better or worse off as a result..........but it was fun trying!

If you would like to nominate a town that you consider to be one of the worst places to live in the U.K then post the name of that town and one reason why it is so awful in the comment box below, and I will pass it on to the writer's of The Idler magazine.