After-Dinner Sports Tales - Chris Kamara

Here is my is my first of 2010 but my sixth installment so far on the subject of light hearted after-dinner sporting tales, as told by current or ex-professional sportsman.

In previous articles on the subject of 'After-Dinner Sports Tales,' I have chosen humorous anecdotes as told by the likes of Rodney Marsh Gareth Southgate and Chris Coleman from the world of football, Phil Tufnell from cricket, and rugby union's Wade Dooley.

Today I have chosen another former footballer, but one who despite having retired from the game in 1998, can still be seen on a Saturday afternoon......but on your TV screens, usually as a Sky Sports TV reporter/analyst - the one and only, the charismatic Chris Kamara.

Chris Kamara was born in Middlesbrough on Christmas Day in 1957. After serving with the British Royal Navy he joined Portsmouth in 1975, beginning a professional footballing career that saw him move between nine clubs, scoring 71 goals in 641 league appearances. He was also manager of Bradford City and Stoke City before retiring from the game.

Here is an amusing excerpt from a speech made by Chris at a sporting dinner.

"I enjoyed a long career as a football player, signing for Portsmouth (twice), Swindon (twice), Brentford, Stoke, Leeds, Luton, Middlesbrough, Sheffield Utd and Bradford. I then made the transition into management, the highlight being taking Bradford into the First Division via a Wembley play-off final.

I became somewhat of an unlucky mascot to several teams during my playing days. In early 1992, I played my last game for Leeds, which took them to the top of the table. Manager Howard Wilkinson wanted to make sure they stayed there - so he sold me to Luton the very next day! Sure enough, Leeds won the Championship, without me.

David Pleat, the Luton boss, signed me to change things. Luton had been in the top division for ten years - the old First Division, now the Premier League. I certainly did help to change things - Luton were relegated!

I then went to my hometown club Middlesbrough, signing for Lennie Lawrence. It was their first season in the Premier League, and even though Lennie had previously saved Charlton from going down for five years in the late 80's and early 90's, without me, I was a part of the Middlesbrough team he managed that were relegated in the inaugural Premier League season in 1992-93!

Then there was the greatest escapologist since Harry Houdini - Dave 'Harry' Bassett, manager of Sheffield United. He was the boss who could get out of anything. But in the 1993-94 season he signed me, the fateful unlucky mascot - you've probably guessed it by now - Sheffield United went down.

During this period struggling Coventry City were actually paying teams to sign me!"

After-Dinner Sports Tales - Chris Coleman

This month is my third installment of humorous after-dinner sporting tales, as told by current or ex-professional sportsman.
In May I wrote about an after-dinner tale as told by ex-footballer Rodney Marsh, last month was the turn of the former England rugby international and British Lion Wade Dooley.

Today I am returning to football and a man who is currently plying his trade as a manager, following a successful stint as a player.
Welsh international footballer Chris Coleman was born in Swansea, started his playing career at Manchester City as a trainee before moving back to his hometown club in South Wales, where he went on to made 160 appearances. He left Swansea for Crystal Palace in 1991, where he spent 4 years with the South Londoner's, and during that time won the first of his 32 caps for Wales. He left Palace for Blackburn in 1995, before joining Fulham two years later.

However, Coleman's playing career was prematurely ended after he broke his leg in three places following a horrific car crash in Surrey in January 2001.
Following managerial stints at Fulham and Real Sociedad, Coleman has been charge of Championship side Coventry City since February 2008.

Here are two amusing excerpts from a speech made by Chris at a sporting dinner.

"While I was playing for Crystal Palace, we were 3-0 down at half-time and the manager Alan Smith flew into a rage during our team talk. Sitting next to me was my team-mate Richard Shaw, and next to him a table with tea and sandwiches on it.

During his moment of anger Alan Smith threw a cup of tea at the wall and up-turned the tray of sandwiches, one of which landed on Richard's head. He was so afraid, he sat there for ten minutes with the sandwich still on the top of his head until Alan Smith left the room!"

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"During the same team-talk our goalkeeper Woody (Andrew Woodman) was coming in for a bit of stick from Alan, who unstrapped his gold Rolex watch from his wrist and dangled it in front of Woody, saying, 'You'll never own one of these son, because after a performance like that, you'll never go any further in the game.'

With that he lobbed the watch at Woody to catch, who nervously dropped it on the floor!"

After-Dinner Sports Tales - Rodney Marsh

I have decided over the next few weeks to assemble a compilation of some of the most humorous after-dinner tales as told by some of Britain's most famous sporting legends.

These are real stories from their lives, both inside and outside the world of sport.

Nowadays, most professional sportsmen receive advice on how to present themselves in front of an audience, but in the dim and distant past this was not always the case.

First up is Rodney Marsh, a former England international footballer, who played for QPR, Fulham, Manchester City and Tampa Bay Rowdies in the USA.

Latterly Marsh would become a highly respected television pundit, bringing the same instinctive flair into the studio that had served him so well on the pitch.

Not surprisingly, however, Marsh also retained the characteristic ability to self destruct. Marsh would lose his job with Sky Sports after making an unfortunate, but basically harmless, joke concerning David Beckham's inability to understand the difference between the Toon Army and the tsunami which had just struck Asia, a joke virtually every football fan must surely have already heard.

Here is one amusing excerpt from a speech made by Rodney at a sporting dinner.

"I was capped nine times for England and I'm often asked why I only got nine. Well, here's the reason why:

England were playing Northern Ireland in the Home Nations Championships and they were tough opposition in those days, with the likes of George Best and Pat Jennings in their line-up.
Alf Ramsey was England manager at the time, a cockney like me, but he had taken elocution lessons before the World Cup finals in 1966, so he now spoke very posh.
Before the game Alf gave his team talk and stressed that if we were to win the game we would have 'to work very hard.'

He went on:
'As a team we must work harder, you in particular Rodney. You must work harder when you play for England. I've told you before when you play for England you can't play the way you usually do. In fact, this is your last chance. If you don't work harder tonight I will pull you off at half-time.'
'That's brilliant,' I said. 'At Man City we only get a cup of tea and an orange!'

Funnily enough, that was the last time I ever played for England!"